c/o Symi Visitor
Fm : Messers. Sue, Grabbitt and Runne
Sir,
Please furnish us with your home address, telephone number and inside leg measurements in order that we can serve the writ from "She who must be obeyed" for alienation of affection -v- the current Husband.
After seeing your smiling face in a situation of the sky having more water coming from it than currently held in Lake Winderemere combined with your enjoyment of a certain ale AND the aforementioned current husband's subsequent discovery of "Sneck Lifter" on offer at the local emporium, she arrived home only to find him slumped in an armchair, eyes working independantly and speaking in fluent scribble whilst listening to a compilation c.d. of his own making consisting of AC/DC, Rainbow, The Skids, The Clash, Led Zeppelin and Lynyrd Skynyrd - thereby reducing the market value of the jointly owned property - and will be seeking damages. Substantial damages, given that her background suggested that AC/DC was someone doubling their chances of a date on a Saturday evening rather than purveyors of ear-ache and offences against the guitar!
She doesn't wish to divorce the sad old git unless he wins the lottery as she would prefer to take 50% of lots of brass instead of 50% of the debts, but will be seeking enough financial recompense to cover a trip to Debenham's to re-stock with the full product range of Lancombe ........ oh, and a gift bottle of "Rancid Polecat" aftershave for himself.
We would prefer not to take recourse to the Courts of Law but are prepared to, quoting precedents such as "Likes rock music", "thinks Mozart was the Mark Knopfler of his time", "thinks brides only wear white because it doesn't clash with the washer/refrigerator/tumble drier/etc., etc.." and "only wear size four shoes so they can stand closer to the cooker" .
Please forward your immediate financial settlement to any Greek Bank with a branch on Symi because she's on her way there to permanently settle and he's on the skids !
By the time we've finished emptying your - and his - piggy-banks, he won't even be able to get back to Symi, never mind dine out on a spanakopita from the bakery !
yours faithfully
etc., etc..
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. Thanks pal, hic !
Who needs to work? I'm bringing up two hangovers on my own - there has to be government money for me somewhere 
That Sneck Lifter - nice beer ..... and then shome, hic !
Best you don't mention it to Oz Geoff - he'll swear to high heaven that his Grandad discovered it before he got arrested for sheep stealing and then transported !
Given the strength of the aforesaid brew it's more likely to have the opposite effect! 
